Satire News. Liberal with Humor. Conservative with Truth.

April 23, 2014

Celebrity Prayer Requests for Easter 2014

pdiddy-jayz

P. Diddy is having trouble finding the right island to buy…pray for him Blue Ivy is tired of her Swarovski crystal bath…pray for her Mariah Carey can’t decide which boob to feature on her new album…pray for her Kendall and Kylie Jenner have to choose between a Maserati and a Lamborghini…pray for them Justin Beiber is Justin Beiber…pray for him  

For Russia, Obama Changes Mean ‘Red Line’ to Fun Squiggly Doodle

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As Ukraine sits on the brink of a full-scale international conflict and Putin debates over whether or not to make Kiev Russia’s new capital, President Obama has decided to defuse tensions by changing those old and prickly ultimatums with softer, less judgmental suggestions. In a symbolic gesture hearkening back to the famous ‘red line’ drawn before the darkest hours of the Syrian conflict, the President sent the Russian powers a picture of a multicolored, squiggly thing, representing his new, fun approach to these tense situations. “I see now where I went wrong with the Syrian debacle,” Obama offered at a …continue reading

7.5 Million Sign Up for Health Care, 6 Million Share Biden’s IP Address

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Health Care Signup Numbers Illustrated by VP Of the 230 million people over the age of 18 living in America, approximately 3 percent have now signed up for Obamacare.  Coincidentally, 6 of those 7.5 million happen to share the same IP address as Vice President Joe Biden. Apparently, the same day US citizens were allowed to sign up for Health Care, the Vice President was given administrative control of the website.  This was obviously the right decision because immediately afterwards, there was a huge spike in the number of registrations. When asked about this, the VP responded by saying, “Well, …continue reading

Beyonce Loses Nail in China, Provides for Local Family for a Year

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Megastar Beyonce Knowles stopped over in China last week after the completion of her Mrs. Carter tour in the hopes of getting some rest and relaxation. After traveling to over 130 countries and being on the road for nearly a year, the singer wanted a moment of quiet reflection before getting back to the glitz and glamor, so she chose a tiny rural village away from any major city. As she was tweeting this very private moment of “selfie-reflection” to over 13 million people, her diamond studded nail broke off and fell between the shuffling feet of her entourage’s entourage. …continue reading

Your World in Images

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Bruce Jenner Before and After Latest Surgery Obama: “Only thing Mandela Needed to be Better was a Really Great Health Care Website” NatGeo Approaches Bynes and Lohan for New Drama: “Locked Up Broads” Shanghai Officials Say Smog Will Encourage Children to Use their Imagination Cyrus’ Twerk Named Greatest Feminist Accomplishment Since Suffrage

Hipster Loses Non-prescription Glasses, World Observes Moment of Silence

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Arthur Oscar Ramone IX lost his glasses yesterday.  And a choir of baby angels wept over his surprisingly strong plaid shoulders, whimpering and cooing like doves in the unseen background.  They cried for him.  They cried for beauty.  They cried in harmony. The night started out like any other.  He rode his one-speed Redline down to Viva La Vegan to grab a pack of PBR, and caught up with some homies along the way. “Sup brah!” “Waaasup brahski!” “You read the Communist Manifesto last night?” “Twice.” “In Russian?” “Da.” “Spot me a Spirit?” “Nah, roll my own now.  Homegrown.” “Sweet.  …continue reading

Cleveland Browns Suggest “Personal Best Bowl” Once in a While

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In a highly publicized press conference yesterday, Cleveland Brown owner Jimmy Haslam discussed his recent meeting with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell about his proposal to restructure a fiercely competitive league into something more egalitarian. Mr. Haslam felt that the league too often reflected the negative aspects of capitalism in that the rich teams were rewarded for being rich and the poor teams languished in their poverty. So, instead of Robin Hood economics or an all-out coup d’etat, Haslam suggested good ole ‘Merican charity. He also felt that his proposal was in line with other common American practices, such as the …continue reading

North Korea Will Scrap Nuke Program on One Condition: “Give Us the Flappy Bird”

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In the middle of yesterday’s high-level talks between the two Koreas–a country at war with itself since the early 50s–the North issued a shocking reversal of policy regarding its ever-mounting nuclear program. Here is a rough translation of the official statement: “For the love of God, BRING BACK THE FLAPPING BIRDS!  We’ll disarm.  We’ll unify.  We’ll do whatever you want!  Just give us our sweet, precious, little birdie back!” This reversal came on the heels of a decision by Vietnamese developer, Dong Nguyen, to pull the popular game from online app stores. It’s safe to say the reaction he got …continue reading

Oreo Declared Gateway Snack to Dingdongs and Twinkies

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A new study was published recently by scientists who are finally focusing on something we care about: the Oreo cookie. Their findings only confirmed what the public has felt down in their guts for some time–something which can best be summed up in the wise words of Mr. Stuart Mackenzie: “They put an addictive chemical in it that makes ya crave it fortnightly!” (should be read in a Scottish accent) Apparently, the ingredients found in the famous American cookie have the same effect on the brain as various addictive drugs such as cocaine and morphine, which explains why some rats …continue reading

No Shutdown on Government ‘Selfies’

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In turbulent times, a nation must look to those things that hold steady, remain true.  Like the sailor’s northern star or the farmer’s spring rain or the DPRK’s Kim Jong Un, the American people–and its government–must find their constant. But, if that doesn’t work, there’s always Twitter. Like unemployment, the social phenomenon known as ‘selfies’–a candid picture of yourself sent across the virtual universe–is on the rise even in government circles. “Hey!  Reid just ‘liked’ my pic!” beamed the Vice President.  “That old fart.  I didn’t think he liked anything.  You know, it’s amazing how quickly they’re responding to my …continue reading