Monthly Archives: April 2011

Rocker Improves Crap Image

April 30, 2011
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After twenty years of maintaining a solidly jerkhole reputation, legendary rocker Randy Randersimmonson is finally softening his prickly persona.  So much so that Billboards and Rolling Stone magazines have officially changed his overall world image status from “Eff—off” to “Up Yours!”  Isn’t that nice? “Yah, and even though it kills me to have to effing…

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Lewis Hamilton’s Bizarre Secret Revealed!

April 28, 2011
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Lewis Hamilton’s Bizarre Secret Revealed!

SHANGHAI—Some race for the thrill.  Each heart-pounding, adrenaline-laced moment of competitive ecstasy fuels their passion for the road—their “need for speed”.  Others race for the glory.  The likes of Andretti.  Busch.  Petty.  Fred.  Barney.  To be named with the golden ones is what they live for. But ever since he could remember, Lewis Hamilton has…

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Fossil Hunters Discover Hominid in Chimpanzee Graveyard

April 26, 2011
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Fossil Hunters Discover Hominid in Chimpanzee Graveyard

A collaboration of paleontologists, physical anthropologists, and blue-collar scientists unearthed a 3.14 million year old hominid in Ethiopia yesterday. They are calling her “Aussie Pi” – nicknamed for the time in which she was born as well as her species – Australopithicus Afarensis. She stood approximately 3 ½ feet tall, was busty, and weighed about…

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The Underestimated Evil

April 24, 2011
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The Underestimated Evil

GUANGZHOU, CHINA–This weekend, another Asian Badminton Championships came and went, and along with it, another opportunity to put an end to one of the silent evils of the world: badminton. Ostensibly, this game offers opportunities for the lowest levels of recreational pleasure to the highest levels of competitive play. But upon closer scrutiny, the sinister…

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Charlie Sheen to Run for President of the President of the United States

April 22, 2011
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Charlie Sheen to Run for President of the President of the United States

 NEW YORK—In a surprising move yesterday, Adonis Charlie Sheen announced that he would run for POTUS (or President of the United States), and that, obviously, everyone else who ran would fail and become “epic losers.” Mr. Sheen, no stranger to the spotlight lately, has pounced on the opportunity to see just how far his…

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Scientists: Newton and Galileo Were Psychotic—Massive Textbook Recall Foreseen

April 22, 2011
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Scientists: Newton and Galileo Were Psychotic—Massive Textbook Recall Foreseen

A group of 142 leading scientists and psychiatrists have published an open letter to the world, revealing their conclusions on scientists of years’ past—most notably Isaac Newton and Galileo Galilei. The contributors, almost all of them members of the National Academy of Sciences or The Royal Society, wrote the letter “in the defense of reason”—to…

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“Mahmoody” Creates Fascistbook–Social Networking for Dictators

April 21, 2011
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“Mahmoody” Creates Fascistbook–Social Networking for Dictators

TEHRAN, IRAN – For Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, life as a dictator is starting to take its toll.  His answer: FASCISTBOOK. In an extremely candid and colorful interview with Iron E-News, the Iranian leader showed us his vulnerable side and talked about how his important position and responsibilities have not come without their costs. “Being a beloved…

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Gay Caveman’s Brother Unearthed!

April 19, 2011
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Gay Caveman’s Brother Unearthed!

PRAGUE—Archaeologists who recently outed the first “gay” caveman have found some shocking new evidence and have now begun to question their original findings; not because of the gay caveman, but because of the telling way his brother was buried. Five thousand years ago, a young cavebrother sat quietly in his dark, Czechoslovakian cave, seething over…

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Woman Accused of Decent Exposure

April 19, 2011
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HOLLYWOOD, CA—An unnamed woman that will not be named due to anonymity was arrested yesterday because she was wearing too many clothes. She was first seen running starkly clothed down Main Street in the early morning in pants and a sweater and then was later spotted streaking through a children’s park in full ski gear,…

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School Lunch Turns Students into Superheroes!

April 17, 2011
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School Lunch Turns Students into Superheroes!

SHANGHAI, CHINA—A small private school in the Pudong Hi-Tech district has been experiencing something of a phenomenon as of late, and from the most unlikely of places too: the cafeteria. Following a controversial policy to enforce the consumption of questionable cafeteria meals, the Admin has continued to stand by its decision—and now for good reason.…

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Area Control Freak Reports OCD Under Control

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Don’t worry everybody–world-wide* acclaimed blogger and self-published publisher/editor/writer/artist, Mark Krotzchety (pronounced “Krotzchety”), wants you to know that he’s finally got his nagging compulsions under control.…

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