YUNNAN–In the quiet, almost pastoral outskirts of northwest Yunnan, an elderly gentleman sits in the afternoon sun humming a familiar tune and patiently working on his long, rectangular box of wood–or future home, of sorts. The local Chinese government, in response to the longterm drought caused primarily by extensive damming projects, has generously begun to…
LYBIA—Who is the real Muammar Gaddafi anyway? Dictator? Dad? Fashionista? The man of many hats is also the man of many names but it seems that even Gaddafi is unsure now about the one his mother actually gave him. Last night, the more-than-famous Lybian leader, while writing a check to a local grocer in Tripoli,…
LONDON—In a string of scandals longer than Weinergate or the London Bridge, media mogul Rupert Murdoch has now confessed to yet another case of privacy infringement. Apparently, 130 years ago, Murdoch hacked some of the first conversations between Alexander Bell and his assistant, Thomas Watson, but stopped not too long afterward out of sheer boredom.…
WASHINGTON D.C.—With the August 2nd default deadline looming and top lawmakers at their wits’ end, Muggle Vice President Joe Biden has come up with a solution to the debt crisis that seems almost magical: a quidditch match between Republicans and Democrats. On July 15th(of course), seven top Republicans will face off against seven of their…
BOSTON—Twenty-four-year-old Boston native and soon-to-be college grad, Richard Head, while sitting atop his cherry SUV and watching fireworks in the distance, learned a little bit more about American history and culture last night—and, man, would his dad have been proud. “The last thing I thought I was going to get that night was a history…
NEPTUNE CITY, NJ—Silver screen legend Jack Nicholson, best known for his performances in movies such as The Shining, Batman, and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, was visiting his hometown in New Jersey when he got into a “misunderstanding” with a normal person named Hank (who reportedly makes 4,000 dollars a month and drives a…
TORONTO—One month ago, progressive parents Kia and Chris Witless flew their two-year-old genderless child, Lightning, into the forests of British Columbia and gave himer (new non-gender specific pronouns will be used from here on out for the sake of clarity) to hiser new parents—a couple of kind, old grizzly bears known for their playfulness and…
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