The CEO, CFO, COO, and CTO of Iron E-News Corp. is proud to announce that he has sold everything and become a majority shareholder in Tasteless Gum. “We’re pretty confident right now,” said the CEO. “We feel our money is in good hands and that we’re about to be on the top–what’s that part of…
Polly Gonn, MIT class of 2012, recently updated her Facebook profile picture to one of her favorite mathematics symbols: less than. In doing so, she unwittingly unleashed a firestorm of heated comments, opinions, and questions the likes of which has not been seen since Rebecca Black’s “Friday” was posted on Youtube. “I honestly had no…
Five thousand years into the future, an intelligent extra-terrestrial species called The Collective uncovered a solitary data storage chip amongst the rubble once known as Earth and took it back to their ship for examination. Though initially puzzled by the tiny archaic construction, they learned what it (a usb) was through their unified symbiotic brain…
The signs, though subtle and unseen by many, were always there. The episode before last of the much loved, sketch comedy TV show only underscored the true reality of their relationship. After Seth Meyers, the Weekend Update news anchor, more than adequately roasted a few Republican politicians, he then began commenting on the president’s inauguration.…
The Institute of Neurological Research, located in Berkeley California, released a shocking new report on human brain function and development yesterday. Though initially seeking to gain further understanding as to how homo sapiens are able to perform complex tasks at high levels of intelligences (or how our brains work), they unwittingly made a discovery about…
For the past few months, intrepid Iron E-News reporter Bev Jolt has been recovering in a local hospital from what doctors are officially describing as “disgusting”. Much like the old adage, “If you cross your eyes long enough they’ll stay that way,” Ms. Jolt failed to heed the even older adage, “If you keep your…
LONDON–Through a little investigative journalism here and a little bribe there, Iron E-News was able to obtain the royal jewel of news: The Queen’s Tweets. Unbeknownst to most of the world, her majesty has a secret Twitter account and, since 2009, has become an avid contributor under the codename Intrnt Hpstr. We have the exclusive…
CHICAGO–An intern for The Onion, a popular satirical newspaper based right here in the Windy City, was fired last week for violating the cardinal rule of media (yes, even satirical media). Apparently, the young “reporter” submitted an idea to his editor to actually satirize President Obama. And no, he wasn’t kidding. “Seriously!” exclaimed the unbelieving…
LONDON—In a string of scandals longer than Weinergate or the London Bridge, media mogul Rupert Murdoch has now confessed to yet another case of privacy infringement. Apparently, 130 years ago, Murdoch hacked some of the first conversations between Alexander Bell and his assistant, Thomas Watson, but stopped not too long afterward out of sheer boredom.…
As anyone with a brain knows, less than two months ago, the earth was touched by heaven: Prince William of England and Kate Middleton were married—in what will undoubtedly become the most widely covered and watched event of the decade. And preceding that life-altering moment, for six blessed months the media gloriously saturated us with…
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