A few dozen scientists from the Institute of Research got together last week to examine a mystery that has confounded some of the brightest minds in our society: the popularity of Jessica Simpson’s fluctuating body weight. This groundbreaking research, though focusing specifically on Ms. Simpson, was expected to shed light on the reason behind the…
NEW MEXICO–Somewhere in the quiet suburbs of Albuquerque, set against the backdrop of the Sandia mountain range, a small confectionery store just “broke bad”. Again. The same store that brought your kids the beloved blue meth candy is proud to announce the Build-Your-Own Meth Lab Game (expansion kit available – for ages 6 and up).…
LONDON–Through a little investigative journalism here and a little bribe there, Iron E-News was able to obtain the royal jewel of news: The Queen’s Tweets. Unbeknownst to most of the world, her majesty has a secret Twitter account and, since 2009, has become an avid contributor under the codename Intrnt Hpstr. We have the exclusive…
LOS ANGELES–Kristen Stewart, actress and star of the popular Twilight series (a documentary closely based on her actual life), has recently confessed to stepping out on her undead beloved, Robert Pattison. According to sources very close to sources closer to Stewart’s sources, the one-night stand Kristen had with director Rupert Sanders may have been exciting…
Last night, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a report informing the nation of the terrible and reoccurring health and safety issue known as “Swamp Butt”. SB, which generally coincides with excessively warm summers, is a condition in which one’s butt crack takes on a life of its own and becomes a steaming,…
1. Burn everything you’ve ever written and don’t ever mention your writing to anyone ever again. Ever. 2. Always mumble the word “self” but say “published” really loudly. Then go right into how you hate your editor and all the changes you have to endure. You won’t be lying when you say this because people…
LONDON, ONTARIO–In a highly publicized press conference yesterday, Scooter Braun, manager of Canadian teen-pop idol Justin Bieber, revealed that the young star is seeking professional help for what he describes as “recurring, and almost debilitating, normal thoughts”. “Justin has had a serious relapse, but he is getting the help he needs,” said Braun. “Our team…
UNSPECIFIED LOCATION–A rogue agent of a super classified top secret branch of the government (that some say was involved in the Roswell findings of ’47) has spoken with Iron E-News via pigeon and confirmed that American political commentator Glenn Beck was actually a highly classified government experiment gone awry. On February 10, 1964, when alternate…
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