In what is being hailed as the most highly viewed TV moment of all time, the Rainbow came out of the cosmic closet yesterday and announced on the Ellen Show that she is, in fact, a heterosexual.

For much of history, the inspiring optical phenomenon was assumed to be purely asexual.  But then, since the 1970′s, everyone naturally assumed it had turned gay.

“I know I’ve been associated with homosexuality for quite some time now but I just gotta say…I’M IN LOVE WITH BLUE!  Whew.  Thanks for letting me get that off my chest, Ellen.

I have a lot of gay friends across the spectrum who are going to be so shocked by this but, you know, a rainbow has to stay true to her colors.”

Just after the big revelation, the multihued spectrum announced her engagement with the sky, confessing a life-long attraction and powerful bond between the two.

“What started out as completely one-sided has grown into something quite magical.  We hope to settle down along the horizon and, one day, maybe retire near a sunset.”

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In his own inimitable way, televangelist and former political aspirant, Pat Robertson, announced the release of his highly anticipated “Greatest Hits” VHS tape on his show The 700 Club yesterday.  Five minutes later, it had already gone gold.

“It’s unbelievable, really,” said industry mogul Tom Jones.  “In a short amount of time Robertson’s tape was in a category all by itself because of the sheer numbers behind it–so, we figured why not name it after the man himself.  We’re calling it “Patinum”.

Here are a few quotable gems from the video:

“Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It’s no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history.” –Pat Robertson

“I would warn Orlando that you’re right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don’t think I’d be waving those flags in God’s face if I were you, This is not a message of hate — this is a message of redemption. But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It’ll bring about terrorist bombs; it’ll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor.” –Pat Robertson, on “gay days” at Disneyworld

“God considers this land to be his. You read the Bible and he says ‘This is my land,’ and for any prime minister of Israel who decides he is going to carve it up and give it away, God says, ‘No, this is mine.’ … He was dividing God’s land. And I would say, ‘Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the E.U., the United Nations, or the United States of America.’ God says, ‘This land belongs to me. You better leave it alone.’” –Pat Robertson, on why Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon suffered a massive stroke

“Maybe we need a very small nuke thrown off on Foggy Bottom to shake things up” –Pat Robertson, on nuking the State Department

“It may be a blessing in disguise. … Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. Haitians were originally under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon the third, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it’s a deal. Ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other.” –Pat Robertson, on the earthquake in Haiti that destroyed the capital and killed tens of thousands of people, Jan. 13, 2010

“Like it or not, males have a tendency to wander a little bit. What you want to do is make a home so wonderful that he doesn’t want to wander.” –Pat Robertson, giving advice on “The 700 Club” to a woman whose husband cheated on her

“I know it sounds cruel but if he’s going to do something he should divorce her and start all over again,” he said, “[and] make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her.”  The famous evangelist was challenged by his Co-host Terry Meeuwsen, who asked “Isn’t that the vow we take when we marry someone, that’s for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer?”  But Robertson responded, “You said ’till death do us part’; this (suffering from Alzheimer’s) is a kind of death.” -Pat Robertson on those married to Alzheimer patients

*Compiled from various sources

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In a colorful press conference held at the White House a few days ago, press secretary/circus master Jay Carney lived up to his last name as scandals piled up like elephants in a circus ring or clowns in a clown car.

From Benghazi to the IRS to killing American citizens without trial to Michelle possibly changing her hair again to now this.

Mr. Carney began the wildly entertaining event by reminding everyone that the Benghazi exhibition could be viewed in the smaller tent just outside the main tent under the banner “sideshow”.

Just as he finished speaking, twenty military drones buzzed the big tent towing banners that read: Progress!!

The president arrived with customary flair and, after issuing a brief statement, wowed the audience with his signature disappearing act.

“I had no idea that guy (what’s his name? Older? Oldman? Yeah, Gary Oldman), I had no idea Gary Oldman was still in charge of the Department of Situational Ethics.  If I had, he’d be long gone because of that last “scandal” thingy (we are calling it that right?).  Although, to be fair, it’s hard to really blame him for it because he also had no knowledge of the stuff and whatnot and goings on that happened–I’m not at liberty to elaborate because it’s for my eyes only.  But don’t worry, I haven’t seen it.”

Mr. Carney, juggler extraordinaire, finished the evening festivities with a classic plate-spinning performance that would’ve put world record holder, David Spathaky, to shame.

This show, though not getting nearly the press coverage (or media-infused emotion) it deserves, could possibly become the defining moment of an increasingly eventful Obama administration.

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*pic by Nicolas Suzor

Forbes new power list of top college majors for 2013 features a new, though unsurprising, field of study: Taking videos and pictures of the cutest cats you can find and then posting them online in excess.

This new category of videos and pictures, referred to as the Feline Arts in professional circles, took the web by storm in the late nineties and currently rates as the number one viewed/liked/hashtagged/forwarded genre online.

We had the opportunity to speak to John Havafurmouth, a student at St. Catherine’s University in Minnesota, just to get his insight and perspective in this growing field.

“I think I can answer your question best by–well, you know what they say–sometimes the longest way around is the shortest way home.  Anyway, I was talking to my cat, Falafel, the other day and between licking himself he told me, you know what he told me?  It was the darndest.  He said to me, ‘John, I like you–more tuna, yeah, no a little more, that’s good–I like you John, I do, but I gotta tell you something.  When we take over and annihilate most of you, don’t take it personally.  You see, the thing is, and you may have guessed it already, we don’t need you.  You may pet me now.  Okay, that’s enough.’

I’m so glad Falafel let me post that online.  Though everyone will miss out on the dialogue because Falafel has decided to speak into my thoughts, most people only care about the funny or cute parts.  Amateurs.”

According to another popular Forbes list, twenty of the world’s newest billionaires are “cat moguls”, who basically amassed their fortunes all because they had a photogenic furball.

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A new study was released last week detailing various online practices of users across our interconnected globe.  Needless to say, some appalling facts have come to light.

Apparently, the vast majority of web surfers suffer from something called lying.  Basically, those who use internet slang as a form of communicating emotion are doing so superfluously, haphazardly, and, for the most part, under false pretenses.

The data showed that seventy-five percent of the time LOL is used, the perpetrators are simply grinning while typing.  Even more disturbing is the revelation that ninety-eight to ninety-nine percent of the time the user claims that something is so funny they are literally rolling on the ground in hysterics–you guessed it–they are still in their chair or on their bed.

“We should have been suspicious from the very beginning,” says sociological expert Tom Frandlebars.  “We naively accepted that people were out there constantly laughing out loud.  But then it escalated to careening on the ground like some sort of felled lumber.  And, of course, it didn’t end there.  The sheer audacity of someone claiming they’ve somehow laughed so hard that their ass came off should have been enough of a red flag for us.  We see it now as a cry for help.”

According to every government and press agency we’ve contacted, though there have been multitudinous reports of LMAO, there has yet to be one actual confirmed case on record.

However, we were able to track down and talk to part of the one percent.

“Yes, when I laugh, I invariably end up on the ground,” reported T. H. (not his real name).  “But it’s not because I am upholding a sense of duty or social responsibility–it’s actually a condition of mine which can’t be controlled.  It’s called ROFLing and, seriously, it’s nothing to laugh at.”

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Winning Caption by WP Scranton

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Lately, we have become increasingly fascinated (as much as a Rumyliakan can be fascinated, huhuhu) with what terrestrians call “Celebrities”.

For the longest time, we thought the humans were reviving the study of Astrology because of their constant references to the stars.  Only later did Mhkkiklab point out that they were actually referring to people.  And so, logically, our subsequent debate was on whether or not these particular humans had a higher atomic number count than most.  Needless to say, we were flummoxed.

Only after a long conversation with our neighbor, Barbie, did we come close to elucidation.

“These ‘stars’ that you call them, does their epidermis glow in the dark?” we inquired.

“Haha.  No, sillies, they’re people, just like us,” she answered.

To which we queried, “Then why refer to them as heavenly bodies?”

“Um, because they’re, like, awesome,” she said.  “P.S. – You guys are weird, you know.”

“Bless you,” we replied.  “Now back to the cosmic balls of space gas we were discussing.  Do they have any special powers or abilities?”

“Have you seen Silver Linings Playbook?!  Jennifer Lawrence was amazing!” Barbie shrieked.

“Not computing.  Pulling up “Jennifer Lawrence” now.  Ah yes, she is a human actor.  So basically you’re saying that humans who mimic really well are considered dazzling orbs of nuclear energy?”

“Umm…Yes?”

Here is an excerpt from one reputable gossip magazine located on their internet (a very primitive form of virtual networking confined to this planet alone, huhu) which underscores the wild public obsession with this particular homo-sapien:

“We at Iron E-OMG! would just like to say one thing: Jennifer Lawrence (aka J. Law aka Lawlaw aka Hungie Games), WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN GIRLFRIEND?!

It’s been over a month since the Academy Award winner has graced us with her fabulousity…”

This goes on interminably.  Velailiel and Mhkkiklab out.

*End of transmission

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Winning caption submitted by Phil Cancelleri

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2. If you suck at something, give up.  I know people say, “If at first you don’t succeed…” yada yada, but come on, do you want to be known as the guy or girl that succeeded at sucking?  Just because you keep trying, doesn’t automatically mean you’re going to suck less.  Take my neighbor’s kid, for example, he really wants to be a professional baseball player but he’s only four and can’t even hit it out of the infield.  On top of that, where’s the strike zone?  Exactly.  But, I took him to the ballpark anyway and said, “Okay, when you can hit this fastball 400 yards, then we’ll talk.”  And sure enough, all he could do was cry really well.  After about four or five hours, I finally took him to the side and said, “Look, not everyone can be Josh Hamilton, otherwise who would run the country?  Let’s focus on the Y T-ball team.  That’s a goal for you.”

3. Listen to people.  Unless you don’t want to.  But on the whole, I would say listen.  And mainly listen to people that are nice to look at because it makes it a lot easier.  Now, I’m not saying do what people say because people say all kinds of things–like “let’s go on this ten mile run that you have to pay for” or “wear this around your waist–it’s called a fanny pack”.

4. Before you set big goals, set small goals.  And before you set small goals, set really, really tiny goals to get you started.  The first goal can be getting the pen you’ll use to write your goals.  Having a good pen in your hand can be a real motivator.

5. The next goal can be creating what some people in the goal-making business call “The To-Do list”.  After you write your list, be sure that your next goal is, “Don’t lose the To-Do list”, otherwise you’re really screwed.

6. Set SMART goals.  Now if you’re dumb I know this is not possible but you can act smart and fool a lot of people anyway.  One way to act smart is to use what’s called a demonic device (it’s okay, this doesn’t mean you’re selling your soul to Satan, it’s just the professional term that we use).  For example, you can use the word “smart” as an acrostic.  S is for Suck up to rich old people, and so on.

7. Note: If you’ve made friends with a rich old person, you don’t need to read keep reading.  Otherwise, when you achieve your goals, celebrate.  Probably the most important part of being successful is throwing parties and rubbing it in people’s faces.  And don’t just celebrate your big goals, celebrate the tiny ones too so they don’t become insecure (and also so you can throw parties all the time).

10. And finally, accomplishing your goals doesn’t have to be hard.  It’s only as hard as you make it.  Whether your goal is writing ten good tips for your “Guide to Goal-making” or contributing to Wikipedia without it being deleted, take our word for it, you can do it.

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Winning Caption by Cathy Metcalf!

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