The CEO, CFO, COO, and CTO of Iron E-News Corp. is proud to announce that he has sold everything and become a majority shareholder in Tasteless Gum.
“We’re pretty confident right now,” said the CEO. “We feel our money is in good hands and that we’re about to be on the top–what’s that part of the wave right at the front? No, not the foam. Right on the top front–you know what I’m talking about. I think it’s also a toothpaste. No, not the gum, the wave thing. I’m just gonna change metaphors–is that okay? We’re sitting on a goldmine.”
Tasteless Gum, a subsidiary of Tastefree Cooking (“Leave your expectations at the door”) is a new product designed for those who are tired of mouth parties, flavor explosions, and gustatory extravaganzas.
“You can’t party all the time,” Tastefree executive Missy Marblewalker said. “What about when you go to the bathroom? Are we gonna bring the party into the bathroom with you? No, because that’s disgusting. And also, I rest my case. This gum is like a much-needed dose of reality for the YOLO generation. You also only die once, you know.”
“It’s all my kids chew. Besides, they need to know that life isn’t one big rollicking orga–well, you know.”
“Tasteless Gum: Give your taste buds a break”