WASHINGTON D.C.—With the August 2nd default deadline looming and top lawmakers at their wits’ end, Muggle Vice President Joe Biden has come up with a solution to the debt crisis that seems almost magical: a quidditch match between Republicans and Democrats.
On July 15th(of course), seven top Republicans will face off against seven of their democratic counterparts on the White House lawn in what Biden is calling “A match of epic wizard proportions!” And the winner will get to choose how to address the debt issue.
And according to the six lawmakers known as the Biden group, this is where it only begins.
“The Vice President has had some sort of relapse,” Eric Cantor told us. “He’s coming into meetings with round-rimmed glasses and a wizard’s hat, he’s been seen skipping down the Lincoln steps with a broom between his legs more than once, and whenever a problem is raised he blurts out ‘Problemus Eradicus!’ for obvious reasons. Can you imagine? A muggle believing he’s a wizard! I don’t care if he is the Vice President–he’s no Dumbledore!”
“You know,” the Vice President began, “people always say, ‘You can’t just wave some magic wand and fix this thing—you politicians need to stop spending money.’ But it isn’t that simple—everyone knows you need to spend money to make money. And besides, this isn’t just some wand…this is a finely crafted 15-inch Elder wand that Albus himself touched. It’s what gave me the idea for the match and (don’t tell anyone, but) it’s what’s gonna help us win on Friday so we can finally bring Muggles and Wizards to–um, I mean so we can avoid financial disaster!”