Conclusive data, uncovered in a new and impartial study conducted by the highly professional food scientists here at the Iron E. Research Center in Shanghai, has shown that the popular condiment known to the world as mayonnaise does not come from your local grocer, but from the vats of Hades.
Some of us have had our suspicions about the insidious white sludge for quite some time but have held our tongues, strictly in the interests of science.
Today, millions of consumers all around the world remain under the happy delusion that this fatty amalgamation of olive oil, egg yolk, and death is made in the loving factories of companies such as Kraft and Kewpie; and inadvertently overlook certain clues that, when taken as a whole, make the truth seem quite obvious.
The first and most obvious one of course is the brand name Hellmann’s. Coincidence? I think not. I mean, they might as well have called it 666mann’s or AntiChristmann’s.
The second, and nearly as compelling piece of evidence is, of course, the taste. We at Iron E-News and all its subsidiaries would like to take a moment of silence to honor all of the taste buds that have died as a result of being exposed to this highly disagreeable substance.
The rest of the data, along with notes, will be published in a very reputable scientific journal in the coming weeks. We urge you to examine the case with an open and objective mind and allow the facts–not nostalgic memories of grandma’s sandwiches and doctored casseroles–to guide and influence your conclusions.