FEMA Declares Donald Sterling’s Mouth a Natural Disaster Site

SterlingCNNinterview

 The Federal Emergency Management Agency recently declared the area on Donald Sterling’s face known as the “mouth” to be a national disaster.

A few days ago, local authorities, in their desperation, contacted the agency letting them know that they had exhausted their resources and didn’t know what else to do.

“It’s like the hurricane that wouldn’t go away,” local police chief, Charlie Beck, admitted in exasperation.  “People are still in danger and lives continue to be hurt.  It’s one of the worst things I’ve seen in a long time.”

The federal agency responded immediately by sending a team of investigators to assess the damage and see what could be done.

Initially, they planned to try and plug up the hole but recalled that this had been done in the past with very little results.  And so, they finally decided to send in a surgical hazmat team and completely remove the source of the carnage.

“We can say with certainty that this won’t be easy,” a spokesperson for FEMA admitted candidly.  “But with the concerted efforts of local and federal emergency crews, hopefully, by eradicating the source of the problem, we can get through this together and save future lives.”

Jeff Boldt

Dedicated to covering that alternate bizarro world--at times all too closely mirroring our own.

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