SEATTLE, WA–Pot brownies are so 20th century.
Not since Pert combined shampoo and conditioner in one bottle has there been such a potent mixture: Yesterday, Frito-Lay announced the creation of a new line of marijuana munchies, including Reefer Packed Ruffles (with mystery-substance-laced ridges), Sea Salt and All Kinds of Jacked-Up Lays, Blackout the Sun Chips, Totally Toasted Tostitos, and Smokin’ High Marijuana Cheetos. Hahaha Dude This Crap is Hilarious Funyuns, and I’m Soooo Baked Right Now Baked Lays are still in the works.
Armed with the slogan “Bet you can’t eat just one…or hold down a full-time job,” the new Reefer Division of Frito-Lay went to work last night in Seattle, Washington, recruiting a group of 200 volunteers from all walks of life eager to try their product.
As a truck filled with Smokin’ High Marijuana Cheetos pulled into the parking lot, those lucky enough to have been selected rushed the vehicle in the hope of becoming the first to sample the savory combination of fake cheese, green food coloring, carbohydrates, and sweet Mary Jane.
To truly capture the aroma of the moment, Iron E-News decided to gather opinions about the new Cheetos flavor while the taste testers were under the influence of the product.
A few of the test subjects were focused on the Cheetos mascot. “Chester Cheetah is the MAN. Even though he’s like a cat,” said former trucker Johnny Tripawa after his eleventh bag. “See, he’s totally one of us. You notice he’s always got those sunglasses on, right? You wanna know why he’s covering his eyes all the time? Cuz they’re bloodshot. Think about it, breh.”
“And the thing about Chester Cheetah, is that HE’S a CHEETAH,” added former kinesiologist Jackson Garvey. “Those guys can run like 50 bijillon miles an hour with like three legs. But have you ever seen that cat run? I mean he just doesn’t bro. He’s the most chill cheetah ever, man. Face it, Chester Cheetah is hitting the bong like it’s bottled water, broski.”
Most had strong opinions about the product. And it seemed that everyone had something to say.
“I threw up in a dishwasher once,” said William Tisdale, 58, a “job hunter” from Central Washington.
Rachel Dervish, a 37-year-old unemployed woman from Olympia, had a different take on the new snack. “My sister likes to waterski,” said Dervish. “You ever been waterskiing? Once I watched 36 hours of Spongebob while eating seafood. I felt guilty for a week. Have you ever thought about what it would be like to live in a pineapple under the sea? I have. I think it would be a tight fit but delicious. There was a time that I used sponges to clean my toilet but then I stopped. Cuz man, what if one of them was Spongebob and I didn’t know about it? Spongebob, cleaning poo from under the rim of my john? That would be a terrible way to go, you know? Terrible.”
Asked whether she would eat Marijuana Cheetos in the future, Dervish didn’t hesitate: “Raisins basically kick butt! Hooray for raisins!”
Even though the response was overwhelmingly positive, there were a few with misgivings, including former stay-at-home dad Lester Field: “Porcupines and hedgehogs make the worst throw pillows. Seriously. Just…no.”
Eighteen-year-old college student Belinda McBane wasn’t shy about her opinion, either. “I really wish Chicken Under the Sea was really chicken instead of stupid tuna,” said McBane, “’cause I think chickens with gills would just be the coolest. Also if I was a unicorn, I’d give myself a name like Spike, because no one would expect it.”
Asked if she had any advice for those interested in Marijuana Cheetos, McBane replied sagely, “If you see a llama that’s about to spit, don’t kiss him on the mouth. I learned that lesson the hard way.”