Zombies Promise to Initiate Apocalypse…Right after Last Episode of X-Factor

It’s 2012 and, as everyone knows, the world is going to end this year–one way or another.

A spokesman for Zombies United issued a statement yesterday apologizing for not having helped end things sooner.

“Our sincerest apologies for not killing all of you sooner,” Mr. Zombie said.  “But we’re waiting till X-Factor is over.  On top of that, it’s not easy organizing a coordinated attack with the walking dead.  You try and get a hundred million brainless morons to do something at the same time.  It’s like pissing in the wind.”

According to what’s left of our source inside their lair, the only thing these animated corpses love more than human flesh is reality TV.

“Oh yeah, we can’t get enough of that British Barnacle,” said one of the zombies.  “He’s so mean!  I think he would eat his own mother if it came to it (and it just might).  You either hate to love him or love to hate him, that’s what I always say.  We might keep him alive afterwards since we’ll need a good judge for Zombie Idol, or Zombidol (we’re still playing with the name).  Now, we must tell you that none of us can play an instrument or actually, you know, write songs but we heard that that’s not so important these days.”

From our source’s terribly typed final text (very unpr0fessorial, by the way), we gathered that the “undead” have many of the same customs that we humans have when watching a reality based competition–from making bets to creating fan pages on websites.

The spokesman later confirmed this and said that most of the “money” (which, apparently, equates to body parts) is being put on the young Carly Rose Sonenclar.

“She is such a talented girl–a real sparkler, you know!  I hate that I’m gonna have to eat her brains come winter.  That’ll really put a damper on her singing career.”

Jeff Boldt

Dedicated to covering that alternate bizarro world--at times all too closely mirroring our own.

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